Forgiveness
by Melodic
Summary: This is a little scene I had in my head from Jacks words in 7x21 where he talks to Muhtadi. It deals with Jack being unable to forgive himself. It's only rated T for one drug reference.


**This story is set a couple of months after Day 3. **

**If you think the rating is to high please let me know.**

Jack lay wide awake in his bed. He hadn't bothered to draw the curtains, so he looked out at the murky sky. The blues and blacks swirled into each other separated periodically by diamond-shaped, shiny stars.

Sleep had escaped him, he lay restlessly, tossing and turning, getting more and more frustrated with his tangled sheets. He threw them back with the most force he could muster and staggered into the en-suit bathroom. He hit the light switch, but not before stubbing his toe in the dark. 'You would have thought I would have remembered where that was by now,' he thought to himself shaking his head. He felt so tired, he just wanted to sleep. He grabbed hold of the sink and looked into the medicine cabinet come mirror. 'Maybe some paracetamol will make me sleep," his hand tried to move up to the cabinet but found it self glued to the basin. He was unable to take his eyes of off his reflection.

'I need to get these pictures out of my head. The pictures that go around my head every time I try and sleep of Tony and Michelle, Nina, Ryan, Chase, Kim, Claudia, Ramon, Hector, Kate. Kate. I thought, I thought I was capable of forgiving myself, forgiving myself of all of it.'

'I know what it means to forgive, I of all people should, I guess. I thought I could do it. I thought I could forgive myself for letting my wife die. I killed Teri. If I hadn't trusted Nina, if I hadn't assigned her to look after Teri, if I had looked after Teri the way I should have. Teri would be alive. I didn't pull the trigger, but I gave Nina the opportunity to, the time to, and the space to put the bullet in Teri's chest. If it wasn't for my stupid, stupid decisions Teri would be alive with our child. I thought that I could forgive myself for that, one day. Think that maybe, just maybe it wasn't all my fault.'

'I thought I could forgive myself for killing Nina. Before I did it I didn't think that I would need to forgive myself for doing it, she killed Terri, she betrayed everyone, and now she was trying to kill my only daughter. I'm glad she's dead, but I killed Nina in cold blood. It wasn't anything but, cold blood. I tried to convince everyone, even myself that I had no other choice. I wasn't taking that revenge I said I didn't need. I had other choices; I could have kicked her gun away, but I didn't.'

'I thought I could forgive myself for pushing Kate away. I thought that was the best thing for her to be away from me. I was going undercover for six months to one of the most lethal drug cartels. She needed someone who was stable, someone who could be there for her, someone who wasn't shooting up while she was asleep. I thought I could forgive myself for how I kept trying to push her away. The way I hurt her, but she tried to pretend she wasn't, she tried to make everything work between us. I couldn't tell her I couldn't commit to her because I was so scared of something bad happening to her, or the reason I pushed her away was because I didn't want her to get hurt.'

'I should have never let Tony be so involved in our covert-op. I could have done it alone. I should be the one in jail not Tony. He saved his wife, that's all he was trying to do; it was more than I ever managed to do. I was the one that took the heroin, I was the one who threw the rules out of the window; it was my idea. Instead Gael died, and Tony is in jail. And now he is having trouble even talking properly to the wife he sacrificed everything to save. I should have just shut him out of it all together, he's my friend that would have been the least I should of done. Some friend I've been.'

'I thought I could forgive myself for all of the things I've done, all the things I've done to all the people I love. The things that I had no choice but to do, like killing Ryan Chappelle. The things I wanted to do, like killing Nina. I thought that forgiving myself was within my ability, but I was wrong. I just can't bring myself to forgiveness. I blame myself everyday for the things that have happened. I wish I was more like Tony. He can just talk to other people and get it out of his system, but I can't talk to anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone else. I've tried, but it never works, no one else can understand. I can't forgive myself. Instead it's easier to block everything out to pretend it's not there, otherwise I'm never going to get anywhere. The only way I'm going to survive is to block it out, it doesn't mean it hurts any less, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep through every night, but it might mean I survive it.'

**Any constructive critism will be welcome, and reviews will be looked upon with a great big YAY!**


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